When I moved back to Russellville recently, I was determined to return to teaching, specifically to earn my secondary education teaching license. I'd had a terrible semester before and had decided to quit, but my time away from the classroom made me realize how much I missed it. Since my return, I have been reminded time and time again that not everything we love and miss is meant to last. I desperately wanted to teach because it would have meant having a purpose and a career, one that I actually enjoyed.
Despite being bullied and dismissed throughout my own life, I believed things would be different as a teacher; I was wrong. I had forgotten how much students (rather people in general) want to blame everyone but themselves for their own shortcomings and failures, how they need to tear others down to feel better about themselves. Although I have been through more trials and tribulations than I'd care to admit, I am not strong enough to take that kind of mental and emotional onslaught multiple times per day. When getting up in the morning becomes a chore and the very idea of going to work fills me with dread, it is time to stop and re-examine things. There have been a couple of times in my life when I was lucky enough to know, really know all the way to my core, that a decision I'd made was the wrong one for me, that I was trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. Not every decision, unfortunately, is as black and white. With teaching, I thought that the feelings of inadequacy and the constant worry and stress were balanced out by the joy I got from making a difference. I thought that if I could just focus on the positive, on the impact I was making, that all the negativity would take a back seat. I was wrong.
If there is one thing I have learned in my life it is to do what makes you happy, to live a life that brings you joy doing the things you love most. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be, and, unfortunately, I am not that person when I am teaching. So, rather than continuing to force myself into something that causes me more misery than it brings happiness, I am going to focus on the other things I want to do with my life, like starting a publishing company, opening a bookstore, making and selling my crafts, playing (and possibly composing) music, and writing my stories.
